Random thoughts

I’ve spent a lot of time in this small town.  I’ve questioned myself a million times. I decided I’m unhappy. But then I went out and had a great time. So that’s not un-happiness.
I got a haircut. I didn’t feel the change. I got new glasses. It didn’t make me feel better. Well… maybe just a little.

I went to noisy bars. I didn’t enjoy myself. I went to small but crowded “ouzeris”. I had the best time.
I met some of the worst people I know. I don’t regret not being nice to them.
I met some amazing people. I’m so glad I stayed with them until 4 am.
Somebody hit on me and I didn’t say no. But I don’t know if I want to say yes. I don’t know if I want this guy. Actually, no.  I know I don’t. But it’s not black and white. It’s not just yes or no. There’s also “I wouldn’t mind”. And that might be worse. But I’ve stopped caring, quite a while ago.

Incomplete. Yes, this is the word. Not unhappy- just incomplete. But who’s complete anyway?
There’s so many people I wish I were with and so many people who are away from me.

I miss you.

I need a break. Or I need to go back and continue with my normal life.

I wish every time I went out was super fun. Like that time, a few days ago, when I was out with two friends and we met a bunch of other guys.  And we talked and we laughed and I enjoyed every second.

Or like that time, almost 2 months ago, when we stayed up all night long with some amazing friends, on a balcony with the most beautiful view.

Or that time, even longer ago, when I spent hours and hours with a good friend and we talked and watched “Daria” and ate crepes with chocolate.

I want to scream. I want to not care at all. I want space. And some time on my own. I haven’t had that in forever.
I want to look up and say I’m happy.

I smile.
It feels nice. That’s a step!